on a fine thursday afternoon, i was stuck at work, slaving away down in the mines. then an old man with ginger hair and gammy teeth said i could leave as i had collected three thruppenny’s worth of coal, way more than the daily average. it took my eyes a few minutes to get used to the september sunshine, before i hobbled over to my rainbow powered tricycle. in order for me to reach knockhill mbc, i had to eat, and travel along what is officially england’s shittest road in terms of traffic, vampire seagulls and three headed dogs. the cornish hobbits picked up my shredstik on their way, all that was required of me was to pack my food rations, don my suit of armour and take my mace.

the journey was long and arduous. my tricycle required more rainbows, so i figured it was a good time to open my rations, which contained a sheep’s eye, a pidgeons wing and the claw of a honey badger. whilst i nibbled my succulent portions, i beared witness to the most amazing encounter. an old woman (perhaps 2000 years old) pulled out of the area from which i was seated, and crashed directly into the side of a passing gipsy caravanette. a massive inferno ensued, i was lucky to make it out alive. as the night drew closer, my tricycle went slower as the rainbows were few and far between. believing i was lost, i consulted my map which i had drawn on a shrew’s back, the strongest material known to man. i was on course, it wouldnt be long before i arrived at my destination. nearly there, and weary from my travels, i had to fight a three headed dog. the beast was fierce, we fumbled in the dirt like a pair of young lovers before i jabbed my doubled edged sword right through the ravaging hounds gusset. unfortunately, the incident left me without an eye, impairing my vision so it was now only 10:10 rather than 20:20.

finally, i arrived at knockhill. and i was greeted with the most splendiforous sight. a utopia for shredstik jibbery, there was an uncountable amount of rails (easily more than 5), many jumps, as well as other features which the human mind can not possibly describe. elated, me and the hobbits enjoyed ourselves on our stiks until our toes were warm, and it was pitch black. one of the hobbits, tuai (pronounced too-eye) unfortunately caused impairment to his portable sleeping cave, however, the determined fellow he was, he still managed to rest his weary soul. the hobbit known as poom slept like the most bounderous oaf, his snoring could be heard in the distant land of quesadilala.

the next day, we awoke at sun-up, and left to a nearby cafetorium to fill ourselves on some tasty morsels. it was a bizarre setting, where beautiful amazonian women served repulsive dirty orcs. we filled our bellies, and left. it was a beautiful day, a fine setting for a day of wheelyriding. we rode many obstacles, flipped many directions, and each hobbit landed a new manouver. too-eye landed a switch backlooper, tomahawk halfmoon did a backsidedsevenhundredandtwentymoot, poomus did a frontsidedfivehundredandfortymeelun, even with his one eye the most outstanding hobbit of the day was mickus, who unleashed his fury buy busting the most magnificent corkedfrontsidedsevenhundredandtwentymeelun that upper-middle earth has ever known. after a fantastic day, we celebrated by morris dancing. the next day, the scamps arrived.

this bunch of scamps were the scampiest ever seen. my lord. the artefact known as “the pig” bought them much mirth, however they demonstrated that some of their shredstik abilities were of the highest calibure. the scamp known as fletcher boardslided and backflipped his way into the next dimension, and a mightier scamp known as amon demonstrated his backlooper abilities, by learning them meelun grabbed as well as indeed. that night, the scamps fought amongst themselves with sharp blades, fire torches, maces and lightsabers.

the next day, the scamps were weary from their nights activities, and the day was more relaxed. poomus broke his finger, a matter which even until this day is yet to be resolved. unfortunetly, the scamp known as milo broke his leg in the pit of doom. many moons later, a team of poorly trained paramediums were unable to move his carcass from the pit of doom, so some firewizards were arranged to come and move his rested body. he was wisked away amonst yellow shrouds and blue lights, and since then has never been seen again. later on in the afternoon, scamps hobbits and orcs alike said their good byes, and began their travels home.

my rainbow tricycle proved to be a useful form of transport, and excellent weapon against traffic, until i came up against what i feared most. the dreaded vampire seagull. the bird was huge, at least 400furlongs wide, its teeth bared at me, dripping with the moist remains of a walrus, i knew, in the depth of my soul, that i was to defeat this hideous apparition. so i maced the cunt. and he was dead.

poomus

on a serious note, thank to roger and kim for a wicked weekend, and all the scamps that showed up. xx

We spent the first day eating yogurt an checking out the local spots before the scamps arrived for the camp, the riding was great and the scenery was spectacular. The kiddie winkles arrived an we spent two days carving about, setting up wild mini kicker lines and spinning one’s in every which direction, the kids were great and all ripped, big props to Ben and Owen, sick riding bays!While we were teaching the kids David and Armin spent most of a day cutting up t-shirts, sharpening sticks and digging holes by the evening we had a full 6 hole golf course in the field were we were camping, we didn’t know the rules but somehow I won, Tuai came second and David third. My highlight of the weekend has to be Shizz trying to learn how to ride a motorbike, he thought he had to take his hand off the accelerator to change gear, so he’d pull the clutch in then grab the petrol tank with his right hand, try an put it into seconds, get wobble and stack it, priceless. Turning round to find Shizz with some baby mouse creature in his hand was pretty funny too. Good times.
 

Cheers to Ben at BRD for bring such a great host MBSeurope for the loan of the berlingo, and the scamps for making it such a fun weekend and giving us some of their haribo!

The end – Radface

the drive was great, I didn’t fall asleep, crash or even drive on the wrong side of the road. Tuai spent the whole drive eating, sleeping or leaning over an beeping the horn so i reprimanded him an duct taped his hands to his head. We arrived after going through a tunnel that cost sixty bloody quid’s turned out we didn’t know were to go, who to meet, or to be honest why we were even there, after a hour or driving about and a while chatting to some smoking hot tourist info babe we made our way to an over priced hotel and pitched our tents in a car park next to it. There was a class skate park just round the corner so we spent most of the time skating that when we weren’t going down a barely ridable hill on a trolley board.

I’m not gona talk about the comp too much because there were a lot of things about it that pissed me off an I don’t wana put a downer on a great trip. So, three days in and two packs of paracetamol later i was starting to get a bit worried about my throat and seemed to have turned into some smacked up zombie, I decided to got to the doctors. this is what happened.
Tom: ‘hello, ummm my throat is f*&^ed i can hardly breath an i haven’t eaten for two days.’
Lady: Shrugs.
Tom: ‘Ummm, my throat‘!, now grabbing the damn thing an almost strangling myself.
Lady: Shrugs again and gestures to the door.
Turns out all hospitals and surgery’s were shut for the next few days so back to the parecetamol it is. the comp was fun an the end of the track was fast fast fast which was class it was cool to see all the Italian riders ripping it with no brakes and killing it, even after the night before, if you were there you’ll know what I mean.

I finally got some antibiotics an munched them down as if they were penny sweets, two days later we arrived at Winterberg an i felt good. I shouldn’t big this place up too much because it’ll start to get a big head but damn its good, its my favourite, followed closely by bugs and knock hill. we spent a two days riding, hijacking showers drinking beer and fighting wasps well running away from wasps screaming.

i cant rember much of the drive back but we made it home so that was cool. Massive Thanks to Guido, florian, Amin and Max for making us feel welcome as ever!

cheers, Tika